Sunday, August 29, 2010

Take It To the Limit

I have hit an all time frustration level this week. I can't stand liars nor can I stand being accused of lying. As a result, I am now fired up. I've basically been accused of lying about my current weight and now I am on a mission like never before. I have been saying for awhile that I'm not happy with how I look. Maybe I was eating too many calories in a given day? Maybe I wasn't pushing myself hard enough in my work outs? It makes no difference now because I'm changing everything.

I stopped my morning and afternoon snack (unless I'm going to the gym I'll have some fruit or a yogurt beforehand). I stopped having a cocktail before dinner so all I'm drinking is alcohol. The other night we had a family outing for Chinese food and I LOVE the noodles they put on the table to be dunked in duck sauce and I did not have ONE noodle. My meals have consisted of oatmeal for breakfast or eggs, chicken and salad for lunch, and then protein of some sort for dinner. I stopped eating after dinner too. I made it to the gym twice this week due to all the stuff going on with my cousins being home from medical school and several family members' birthdays. I'm trying to make cardio my focus as well as abs, but I just can't stay on a treadmill or bike much past 20 minutes. The new gym I joined has some good classes like cardio kickboxing and zumba. Unfortunately, the gym is undergoing some renovations and I've gotta wait another week before I can get in there. Luckily, my membership at my old gym is standing for a few more weeks so I still have a place to work out.

All I know is that I'm being more disciplined than I have in a long time. Today I was over my dad's for Sunday dinner and we had steaks, baked potatoes and salad for dinner. I opted to pass on my potato and I had no cheese when it came time for fruit and cheese. I had a half a scoop of this new ice cream flavor I made instead of having a bowl of it and when I came home I didn't eat anything. It's time to get the lingering weight off and if that means I've gotta be strict for the time being then that's what I'll do. I've always hated all the focus my family has put on weight my entire life, but I'm at the point where I won't back down from a challenge.

I had some negative comments after my last blog post and all I can say is I knew when I put myself on a public blog such as this that I was opening myself up to people that might not share my opinion, which is completely fine. If you have never battled with your weight, I suggest that you take a step back before you open your mouth to criticize. On the outside looking in it may appear to be relatively uncomplicated, but I guarantee if you've walked in these shoes you know how complicated it can be.

Tomorrow I'm only working half day (YESS!!) and then I'll be heading into the city with my cousins for restaurant week. Some of the really well known restaurants in the city participate in restaurant week so that lunch is $24 each instead of costing the usual prices. I still plan on sticking to my strictness at least to the best of my ability tomorrow. It's supposed to be another nice day so I'm really looking forward to going in and enjoying a nice afternoon. School starts up for me again this week (Boo!!) but it's an unavoidable thing. I am officially on a mission so hopefully this fire keeps me going.
Until next time...


Sunday, August 22, 2010

No Easy Way Out

It's been a long week, but I'm happy to say Chris and John have FINALLY returned from medical school!! They've been gone for about 4 months but some how it seems longer than that. It's just good to have them around again.

The downfall to that though is all the big dinners and going out we do for the 2 weeks while they're home. Don't get me wrong, it's really fun, but my waist line certainly doesn't appreciate it. Not to mention my dad, my sister and my grandma's birthdays are all this week coming up so that means more dinners out than normal... oh and my mom's birthday is the week after. I know that I have to really try to watch myself over the next 2 weeks but I also know that I have to enjoy it a little bit too.

Over the past couple of weeks I haven't been feeling very happy with myself and how I look. Maybe it's just a complex I have, but I'm incredibly frustrated. I made a really good coffee chip ice cream and the other night I was looking at the container of it on the counter. I was staring down into it thinking about how I could polish off that entire container without even thinking about it, but I opted to just have a spoonful. I definitely think about the food I could be eating or that I'd like to eat, but then I snap back to reality and remember that since I'm a former fat girl it just can't happen.

I have to take the time to mention that my 14-year-old sister commented on my last blog entry and gave me some suggestions that might help me drop the bit of weight that I'm complaining about. She just recently dropped about 15 pounds in the past 3 months and I'm really proud of her because I know how hard it can be especially for us girls that like to eat! While I appreciate the suggestions I have to say that there is a big difference in a 14-year-old's body and a 25-year-old's body. How many of you ladies out there around this age see those teeny boppers with perfect bodies that make you want to puke? Not to mention, our lives are completely different.

When I was her age, I was home all day during the summer so there was more time to exercise, etc. Now it's completely different... I leave the house early, work a full day and sometimes depending on the day, don't get home again until almost 8 pm. It definitely becomes more challenging as you get older because you don't have the free time that you used to and you're definitely more tired at the end of the day. Another difference is that I drink and she doesn't. I am not a heavy drinker by any means, but I have wine almost every night--at least one glass. Some nights I'll have a cocktail followed by wine at dinner, or if I happen to go out and have a drink with one of my friends that also makes a difference. Over the past 2 weeks, I have cut back on my cocktail intake... I try to only have one if I am out to dinner and just opt for wine. Those are added calories that a 14-year-old doesn't worry about. Still, I love the fact that my sister took the time to read my blog and offer suggestions... they are definitely very appreciated :)

I also have the pleasure of having a naturally slow metabolism... if I don't stimulate my metabolism it will completely shut down which is why I eat several small meals a day. Friday morning for example, I made scrambled eggs, had a yogurt for snack, had salad for lunch, followed up by some watermelon before I left the office. Dinner was... well, minus the appetizers we had for the table... pretty decent. I had some turkey chili which was awesome as always followed by some roasted chicken with a balsamic glaze, which was very well done. I ate no potatoes, had no bread and no dessert. If I ate every time I was hungry I'd be as big as a house, but I also don't like eating a lot at one time, which is why I'm also a fan of eating smaller meals. I would love to be more active, but there just isn't as much time for it as I'd like. That's a sad reality of getting older... you really have less and less time for the things you want to do.

This weekend took an unfortunate turn. Early Saturday morning our  10 1/2 year old golden retriever Remi died. We sat with her as she took her last breath and she went peacefully. As hard as it is, I'm grateful that we were with her. I made myself go to the gym and do some other errands before Chris & John's return bash. Party was great and definitely needed after the morning I'd had. Today was my sister and my dad's birthday celebration. I don't even want to think about all the things that I ate, but everyone has to have a cheat day. Granted, over the next 2 weeks I'll have more "cheat days" than I normally do, but Chris and John are only home for a short time so I make the most of it. I'll also be back in the gym tomorrow probably doing some serious cardio and abs.

Until next time...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Cha, Cha, Cha, Cha... CHANGES!

Change, change, change... that is the most dominant word in my vocabulary right now. I've been home for a week and all I know is that things need to change. Last week, I got moved upstairs at work to start learning more and getting involved in more things. I started off downstairs, went upstairs, then came back down and now I'm back up. It's definitely a good thing that I'm moving up and starting to learn more things, but I definitely miss being downstairs. I liked dealing with people, even though patients can be a bit much at times and I liked being around the staff downstairs. The staff upstairs is great, too it's just things are a lot more quiet up there, which I don't know if I'll be able to get used to. Luckily, I do get to go downstairs here and there so I'm not completely disconnected.

I decided to leave my gym that I've been at for the past 7 years. There are new owners and the place is dead, run down and I'm just bored with it. After much considering, I decided to join a gym in Montville with my cousin, which will work out well for both of us. They have a bunch of awesome classes to take and I think it'll be good to just be somewhere new. Yoga and kickboxing is something I need in my life.

I am just not happy with my body at the present moment. I'm a former fat girl, I'm always going to have body image issues, but I've gotta be in control of this otherwise I'll be walking down a road I don't want to be on again. For the way that I eat and how I work out, I feel like there should be some more progress. I felt like I was making some awhile back, but I feel completely stagnate right now and I don't like it. Couldn't something come a little bit easy? I don't mind having to work out, I actually enjoy it, and I like eating healthy, but I've about had it with grilled chicken and salad. There are mornings I wake up and I just want to eat a bagel with cream cheese rather than scrambled eggs or a yogurt. I'd LOVE to have a really good sandwich at lunch and I would be very content with having some pasta and perhaps some kind of meat as my dinner on a nightly basis. However, I like to consider myself a realist and I know that's not something that can happen in my world.

Food was good today... whole grain English muffin with peanut butter for breakfast, yogurt for snack, chicken and salad with a little cheese and cherry tomatoes, some corn soup (made by me!) and chicken for dinner. I ended the night with a yogurt even though I wanted a big bowl of the coffee ice cream I made yesterday. Yesterday was my cooking day so I made corn soup, eggplant caponata, asparagus salad, barley salad, and chicken so I'm pretty set for the week. Unfortunately, I won't get to the gym until probably Thursday but I'm looking forward to starting at this new gym. Went in tonight and I think I'll be just fine there.

In less than 2 days my cousins will be home from medical school until Labor Day and I'm so excited I can't even express it! There is nothing like when the 4 of us are back together so I'm looking forward to some awesome dinners, good parties and just fun times! I've got my head on straight as to what I need to do to get myself in order, but a little added inspiration wouldn't hurt either. Time for bed... another long day tomorrow! Until next time!


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hate This Place...

It pains me to say it but I'm back from vacation. Wildwood 2010 will go down as one of the best 10 days in Wildwood EVER. We had the most perfect weather that I can remember in a long time, which always makes the vacation even better. Everyone got along and just enjoyed being around each other. I would wake up every morning and look out at the beach and just think how lucky I am to have this amazing place and even more amazing people to share it with. Growing up and getting to be there every summer around that group of people has meant so much to who I am as a person. We're all so different, yet we mesh together so well and it really is a very special thing.

Okay, so down to the heart of the matter... I have said from the beginning that I am a fan of full disclosure so let me just say that I did NOT end up at the gym while on vacation. Instead, I walked half a mile on two separate mornings and worked my abs. We ended up doing a lot more walking than usual... over a mile almost every night on the boardwalk so at least I kept active.

On the mornings I ate out for breakfast I had omelets with whole wheat toast so I wasn't eating too crazy. If I cooked breakfast in the room I made cinnamon raisin French toast and would usually eat that with a yogurt for some extra protein. With the exception of a couple of days, I made myself a sandwich at lunch time so I was usually eating a Turkey BLT on whole wheat or a PBJ on whole wheat and one day I had salami which was glorious. I did accompany my sandwiches with some baked Lays which were quite good. I definitely ate less during the day than I did last year. I was definitely hungry when it was time to eat, but I wasn't snacking as much as I did last year. Dinners were pretty good for the most part... we went for Hibachi one night and I'm very proud to say I ordered a cucumber roll and ate it! The hibachi chicken I had with the veggies and rice was also very good. I did have ice cream just about every night and it was soooo good! If you can't enjoy your vacation, what's the point in all the hard work leading up to it?

I did have the benefit of getting to do some thinking while I was down the shore and I've come to the conclusion that now is the time to make some serious changes. For awhile, I've been unhappy with the gym I'm at. It's very outdated, there aren't really any personal trainers out on the floor anymore, and there's really no sign of it improving much. It has suited my purpose for the most part, but I feel like I have hit a plateau. I think I need new surroundings and different ways to push myself. Being in a bathing suit for 10 days really gave me perspective and something has to change because I put out a lot of effort and I feel like there isn't enough change. I'm just not totally happy with how I look. Being honest with yourself is hard, but if I don't do it, who will?  There are a lot of things I want for myself and getting myself in the best shape possible is one of them so it's time to do it. Even though that may mean change, I've just gotta suck it up and do it.

Well, tomorrow is my first day back at work... BOO! I already have a salad set for lunch and my gym bag is packed. Cardio will be my priority tomorrow and I'll probably do some light weight lifting as well. I hate being home and wish I could do Wildwood all over again, but I've just gotta be thankful that as always that place has given me so much. Until, next time!


Sunday, August 1, 2010

There's No Place I'd Rather Be...

There are NO words to describe how amazing it feels to be in Wildwood. Not only does being here make me feel so good, but being around this amazing group of people is what makes it even better. It's kind of hard to believe that I've been coming down here since I was five and a half months old and now I'm an old lady at 25! Ha!

One of my favorite things to do down here is walk by the beach or right on it in the morning. Since I know I'm going to be ingesting a ton of calories between food and alcohol this week it's important that I get my cardio in! I walked a little over a half of a mile yesterday morning, which was really nice. And while I am on vacation, I still try and keep myself somewhat in check. For breakfast I've been eating scrambled eggs with whole wheat toast, turkey clubs on whole wheat at lunch and my favorite Greek yogurt as a snack. Of course I've had some potato chips and ice cream in between but what's a good vacation without those things?

However, I will say seeing the girls with the perfect bodies definitely makes me feel self conscious. Sometimes I will look at myself and think I look pretty good and then I see some of these girls and I'm like, "You are definitely NOT working hard enough!" Being in a bathing suit really gives you perspective on where you're at. It can also make you really uncomfortable and if you've struggled with your weight like I have, you know what I'm talking about. I have just come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be one of those skinny girls and you know what, maybe that's okay. I like food way too much to ever be like that, but the battle is always raging on.

Today is my day off from cardio, but tomorrow I'll either walk again or go visit my gym down here. I definitely plan on getting some abs in tomorrow one way or another. Not sure what the dinner plan is for tonight... it's looking like some rain might pass through and we do tend to order in on Sunday, which I don't really mind. I have to say, I do miss cooking. This morning I whipped up some cinnamon raisin French toast which completely hit the spot. I promised my cousin John if I was going to indulge in ice cream every night I was going to have some different flavors... I'm happy to say that I have kept that promise. The first night mom and I went to Kohr brothers and yes I know it's frozen custard but it tastes just as good as ice cream! I had strawberry on a cone with chocolate sprinkles. The next night I had chocolate with chocolate sprinkles and last night I had strawberry and chocolate on the same cone with chocolate sprinkles. There are no words for how amazing that tasted. I didn't feel so bad because I walked a good distance to get the ice cream and walked back so at least I wasn't a complete blob! Tonight I'll have to get something different because I'd hate to disappoint John.

We've got some more people making their way in today so it should be a fun filled next couple of days. I probably won't blog again until I get home on August 7th. No new pictures until then. My body is gonna need a detox when I get back! It's about time for cocktail hour to commence to I gotta run back out there but I'll catch you all when I get back :)