Another weekend has come to a close and another week has started. I've been getting suggestions from people to keep track of my weight and measurements as well as keep a food diary. I've done the food diary thing many times in my day and I don't really mind it. I do hate the idea of recording my weight. Look, I know that it's only a number, that weight is just my relationship with gravity, but to be honest, gravity and I have had mostly a hate relationship. I'm also a believer that the number doesn't necessarily mean anything because for those of us that want to be muscular (and not in the body builder kind of way), we're going to weigh more because of the muscle. That being said, I am not under the delusion that I can weigh 180 pounds because I want to be muscular. But I know that I will never weigh 130 pounds and even 135 might be pushing it because I'm a tall, muscular girl. As long as I can give off the appearance of 135 or 130 I'll be happy.
Sunday I headed down to south Jersey for my great aunt's birthday. I was getting ready to leave and as I was drying my hair I caught sight of myself in the mirror and I almost dropped the hair dryer. I felt like my skin was just hanging off the sides of my shirt over the top of my pants and I literally had a melt down. I almost started to cry because I couldn't understand why this is happening. I did a really dumb thing and got on the scale yesterday morning and I think the number still had me rattled and that made me even more upset. I went back in my room and changed my shirt to something that covered me up slightly better and all I could think was, "I can't get back to a place where I'm covering myself up." It's a very scary thing and for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you understand the fear.
I am fortunate for the most part to have a good support system around me. My best friend Michelle reminded me how far I've come and that I will always see myself with imperfect eyes. That's probably true. For me, my weight is always going to be an obstacle. Even once I get to where I wanna be I'm always going to have to fight to keep it, and I guess that's okay.
Today was good with food. I made myself eggs for breakfast, had some salad and chicken for lunch, had an apple and a piece of cheese before hitting the gym... I managed 10 minutes on the stair master at level 3 and all I could think about while I climbed was how much I HATE that machine. Then I had the brilliant idea to go on the new elliptical, which by the way is a lot harder than the old one. Within 2 minutes, my legs felt like jello but I kept on trucking thanks to "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna :) I finished with 3 sets of abs before going home to cook. Made some pasta with sausage, peas and some melted mozzarella as a change of pace. Not eating at night is hard, but I'm staying away from food after dinner unless it's an apple.
Last night was the premiere of Dancing With the Stars and every season I watch it I always think about how much I want to learn to ballroom dance. I LOVE the Latin dances. I don't know how I'd feel about someone throwing me around a dance floor but it always looks like so much fun! Not to mention great exercise! One of these days maybe I'll find someone to dance with and go take lessons. If the Situation can do it, I should be able to do it too!
Tomorrow is gonna be brutal...full day at work then class from 6-8 which means not getting home until around 830. AWFUL. Thankfully, my Yankees are now 2 1/2 games up on Tampa Bay. They still have 2 games left against them before Boston. I would just be happy if we could clinch already. By the way, I gotta take a second to shout out "Boardwalk Empire", HBO's new series which is occupying my "True Blood" void. Really, really good show and I'm saying that after one episode. Can't wait til Sunday night. Okay, way past my bed time! Until we meet again...